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John Forster: Music

11. Calling All Dummies

(Tom & John)

            It changed the life I led,
            Turned around my head.
            I haven't been the same
            Since the day I read
Investing Online for Dummies. Which led to...
Buying On Margin for Dummies. That led to...
Home Equity Loans for Dummies.
And though I'm on a losing spree
It's gonna be all right, you'll see,
'Cause I just picked up Bankruptcy for Dummies.
I gave my daughter Dating for Dummies. Then she bought...
Planning Your Own Wedding for Dummies. Then he bought...
Anger Management for Dummies.
Has it been painful? Yes, of course.
At least they've got this great resource:
Handling Your Own Divorce for Dummies.
            Where everything you need to know
            Is laid out neatly in a row
            To give your life an easy overhaul.
            When every illustrated tome cries
            “Pick me up and take me home!”
            It's the siren call of the Yellow Wall.
            Calling all Dummies.
I gave my wife Trompe L'Oeil for Dummies. She bought me...
Plastering Your Walls for Dummies. Then...
Wood Rot and Termite Repair for Dummies.
And now I'm down to crumbling brick.
My back is out, my heart is sick.
So I bought Selling Your House Quick for Dummies.
            I hadn't realized ancient Greek
            Was just the thing I yearned to speak
            Until I saw it on my Visa bill.
            And every time I buy a book
            They simply bait another hook
            With the pointless thrill of a useless skill.
            Calling all Dummies.
Giving Up Smoking For Dummies led me to...
Self-Realization For Dummies led me to...
Finding Inner Peace For Dummies.
But I'll never find my inner peace
Until the day that they release
Giving Up For Dummies For Dummies.

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